Did you know that taller people are more likely to earn more money in work?
It’s all in the mentality. People see someone who is, well, more, and think that they are capable of more. We think tall people have it better.
Tall people are lying to you. They want you to think that their extra height grants them a view to some beautiful new dimension of unreachable shelves. You think you’re happy because you’re big? Here’s the many small everyday reminders of why being tall sucks.
1. Can’t fit in the Bath
What kind of sweaty little hobbit designed bathtubs!? If you sit upright you can just about warm your legs, but slide down onto your back and you look like a gazelle stuck in a puddle. You end up doing this weird slip-slide to get as much of your body submerged as you can because there’s just too much body. And don’t even get me started on low shower heads.
2. You will never get a piggyback again
Always the buckling steed, never the knight.
3. Umbrellas open at eye-level
Let me just crack this open PING just like that and FWOOMP, OH I’m sorry tall person, there goes your glasses, oh dear it’s up your nostril.
4. Everyone thinks you are good at basketball / netball
Don’t even get me started on those discriminatory masterclasses known as Limbo contests. A DIRTY GAME. If your GROIN is at people’s SHOULDER level, HOW LOW ARE YOU EXPECTED TO GO!?
5. The accursed need for Leg Room
On a plane flight, if you hack off your legs before getting into your seat, do they count as carry-on luggage?
6. Life costs more
Growing boys and girls need to eat more. And drink more to get drunk. And buy longer trousers, which uses a bit more fabric so somehow costs as much as buying two trousers and sewing them together into some giant trouser parachute to fit your freakishly long legs.
7. Always a Henchman, never a Hero
Tom Cruise is 5’7”. This means that, with a cute little cardboard box to balance on, he is just tall enough to make himself look like a mighty action beefsteak in front of the dame of the day. This also means that the slack-jawed lunkheads he’s punching still look threatening when Tom’s on his blind barrage of justice-fuelled fist-swinging.
Give up on your dreams of being James Bond, and stick with Jaws.
8. Your spirit animal is always something stupid
‘My spirit animal would be a bear? Really? What about a bear do you think represents me? Is it my charity work? Is it my love of 1920s jazz?’ NO, IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE BIG. LIKE A BEAR. BIG IS YOUR PERSONALITY. BIG IS YOU.
9. You will be punched first
You are out clubbing with Bruce Lee and Gimli.
Your two friends, one shirtless and sweating profusely, the other stout and heavily armoured, challenge one another to a drinking contest. When the pints are downed and the shots are sunk, Gimli proudly wobbles in his seat with nothing but a red nose to show for his intoxication, but for Bruce the alcohol has gone straight to his head and back down to his legs as a crazy dance number. Bruce staggers to the floor and trips a brawny thug, and as the DJ kicks Lady Gaga into high gear the moment becomes heated. Gimli charges to his friend’s aid, smelling blood, while you quietly approach from behind the two, asking for a quiet night to go home and watch Game of Thrones and maybe finish that lasagne in the fridge. You are sober, calm and unarmed, so are taken completely by surprise when the first punch goes right into your throat and YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN SURPRISED.
No matter how deadly your allies, if your head is poking up above theirs in a group, you will be targeted as the first threat.
10. Children fear you
At least at first, and then they just love to scramble all over you like you’re a living jungle gym. In that case, see number two.
11. You are too tall and it is too much effort to kiss you
12. You are too tall to ride
Ohhh yeah, you think that crap is just one-way? It sucks to be too short to get onto Space Mountain, but nothing sucks like being too tall to get in your old swing again. You can’t grow backwards. You can’t.
You are too tall.