Welcome to the wondrous world of imagination. A childish bounty. A beautiful dollhouse full of existing creative properties to slobber all over and rub together so it looks like they’re kissing.
These are Fanfictions that only exist in your wildest dreams, because they would just be too amazing to be real. Take a glimpse into the beyond.
BRITISH POP CULTURE ICONS / SUPERHEROES
The sugar and cream in Britain’s tea of self-deprecating mediocrity, they are the mildly amusing and eternally modest heroes of our dreams, as precious as a White Christmas and titter-worthy as Spotted Dick.
This week’s adventures bring us back to Big Ben, where the titans of Justice and Jam watch ever-vigilant for threats to old Britannia.
“I say, Doctor!” blustered Cyborg Churchill’s wheezing noggin as it appeared, bald like an old spud. “The worst has happened! Simon Cowell has united with those blasted chavs! Recruit a team of cultural icons with attitude!
“A Beatle of your choosing, with their powers of fangirl hypnosis and their famous Yellow Submarine…
“James Bond, the rogueish wildcard and sex appeal…
“John Cleese of Monty Python for those damn whimsical walking wonders of his…
“Yourself, Doctor, for your intelligence and barmy charisma…
“And the ghost of William Shakespeare, for class and wacky shenanigans!
“Have that Potter boy bring me a fresh cigar and I’ll suit up the old Spitfire war-machine myself!”
WINNIE THE POOH / THE NORTHERN LIGHTS
“The people of this town deceived me.” the bear growled, slopping the sticky contents of his pot over his yellow fur. “They fed me until I passed out, and stole my armour from me. Now I work here, soulless as the dirt. Oh, bother.”
The hunny pot was empty. The bear gave Lyra a quavering look with his black, wounded eyes before succumbing to his demons and rubbing the sticky remnants all over his face.
“If I return your sky-iron armour to you,” Lyra said, trying to stop her voice from shaking. “Will you promise not to hurt the townspeople?”
“… I promise to leave with you…” Pooh snarled menacingly, honey and stuffing dripping from his sharp teeth. “… But any who try to stop me will be as Pigletts before me. Now, leave me to my shame.”
And with a deep ‘thunk’, Winnie the Pooh squashed his head into the near-empty pot, slobbering wildly.
HARRY POTTER / BATMAN
“Who’s there?” the greasy-haired man snapped, waving his light before him desperately. He could see nothing in the pitch-black hall.
“You tell me,” came a voice, echoing off the walls. “I lost my parents to murderous scum. Now, with their vast wealth and my unnatural skill, I fuel my endless crusade for justice. Who’s there, you ask? It is the night! It is justice! It is…”
“Potter!” Snape snarled, snatching at the air and tugging the invisibility cloak off of the boy mid-speech. Harry flailed at the Potions master.
“The Penguin! Save me, Ronrobin!” Harry squeaked prepubescently. “The Ginger Wonder, brought up by circus folk!”
“Stop saying that about my family, Harry!” Ron whined.
“Don’t worry, Ronrobin! Money will solve my problems!” Harry began throwing handfuls of galleons at Snape’s hooked nose. Snape’s grip loosened and the boys fled, tripping over their costumes.
“You can do magic, for Merlin’s sake!!” Snape yelled at their fleeing forms.
“BATMAN’S STILL COOL…!”
METAL GEAR SOLID / JURASSIC PARK
“Dinosaurs, Otacon,” Snake growled, crunching the skull of the tiny creature between his teeth. “How’d this even happen? I’m actually eating a dinosaur. Your nanomachines can’t explain that.”
Snake crawled through the undergrowth, brushing aside huge leaves with the tip of his silenced gun.
“Life finds a way, Snake,” Otacon said in his ear.
“Don’t give me any of that Mei Ling s*** Otacon.”
“Just keep heading South through the jungle, sneaking passed the dinosaurs, then over the electric fence. There Jeff Golblum will give you the codes for Metal Gear Rex…”
“Just to be clear, Metal Gear Rex is…?”
“A robot Tyrannosaurus Rex, of course.”
Snake grumbled and pulled the cigarette out from behind his ear. “Of course. Wait, I hear something… That old noise…”
A bloated bullish ‘MOOOoo’ echoed out from the jungle. Two velociraptors slunk out from the foliage, their once-thin legs now swollen and bulging, cables dancing out from their forms like extendable eyes. One snarled menacingly as it leaned down closer to Snake, inching forward menacingly, until he could smell the oil and blood and see each gleaming tooth.
Then it bellowed in triumph and, with a flick of a cable, threw his cardboard box aside.
“…! Clever girl…” Snake growled, loading his gun.