Have yourself a little giggle. Thanks to the ever-awesome and wonderful Gem for this strange insight into the Willy Wonka-esque world of the fanciest wines; these are the Tasting Notes for a particular grape-juice that sells for upward of £400 a bottle.
This week’s blog post comes from Captain Sunshine, sweeper of the grief-stricken streets of evil, who does not know Danny Dourado at all *cough* but is grateful that he can borrow his laptop to spread this message to the world.
Did you know that 99.958% of the population of the world sucks?
Did you know that’s because all those suckers aren’t genuine bonafide super-fied super-powered SUPER-HEROES!?
‘But Danny!’ You cry like a choking squirrel. ‘It’s not my fault I’m not a superhero! I’m not even sure they exist!’
Rubbish! Starting with this article you can become one with the world of spandex, flexing, and justice in just four easy steps that have been tested to be FOOLPROOF. But first, we have to start at the beginning! What make a superhero? A superPOWER.
When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
Whatever you just answered, unless it was an astronaut, you are wrong. Every kid at least wanted to try being an astronaut. But as with everything good about childhood, it all gets a bit more real and undesirable as we get older. Except that this is stupid because being an astronaut would be the greatest thing ever.
Look, a lot of dreams get crushed as you grow up in life. I think it’s fair to say that it’d be nice if at least one of these dreams was still totally amazing when you grew up, and I think after reading this you’ll agree there’s still a jaw-dropping side to those childish wonders we had to put aside.
Think I’m exaggerating? There’s a few things we forgot along the way about the life of an astronaut.
4. Crazy Space Experiments
You are going to die and it will suck!
But not for you! Oh no, you’ll be dead and gone and partying it up in the afterlife of your choice. It’ll be nothing but riding vikings or angel mosh pits for you. No, it’s going to suck for the people you’ve left behind because they have to sit through your stinking funeral!
3. Historical Product Placement
And so, Jesus did take five loaves and two fish. And before the crowd of five thousand, he did raise the loaves and fish to the Heavens and speak: ‘I shall take these and feed the five thousand before me. In this miracle, I shall make bread, and I shall make fish. And on second thought, I shall make Skittles, so that we might all Taste the Rainbow.’ And all five thousand tasted it, and they agreed that it was good, and much better than boring bread and fish.
It was Mother’s Day yesterday, and I got asked a special request (Read It Here).
My Mum used to write her own children’s stories. She’s been doing it since she was a teenager, and the most recent one I can think of was the story of Danny Two-Hats, who may or may not have been me, being sucked into his computer and having to fight giant Fish Cakes with rip-offs of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
It was awesome, and a great way to tell me to get off the computer.
This was a good few years ago now and sadly she can’t use a pen or a computer anymore. So it was a real surprise when she started laughing about this idea she’d had for a children’s book: a vampire princess who wears big boots.
Do you know how easy it is to become a published author nowadays?
If you already have an Amazon account, you can upload a Word Document without hassle, and publish an e-book onto Kindle. I’ve been fiddling around with the process to publish a book for the company I’m working for, and if you’re ready for it, the whole process takes less time than cooking an instant meal.
Does anyone else think that’s insane? Continue reading
I think there’s just about enough content on here to go live for now, which is scary-cool for the three people reading it (me, mum, and me again). I hope to be updating this blog at least twice a week with interesting bits and pieces on my few specialist subjects: writing, gaming and whimsical wonder.
For now I will just say thank you for reading the site, I hope you enjoy what’s here, and let’s make this a good ‘un.
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