You are going to die and it will suck!
But not for you! Oh no, you’ll be dead and gone and partying it up in the afterlife of your choice. It’ll be nothing but riding vikings or angel mosh pits for you. No, it’s going to suck for the people you’ve left behind because they have to sit through your stinking funeral!
While you’re enjoying gravy saunas with Henry VIII and Elvis Presley in a big, steamy, salty king bath, your loved ones are moping beside your body in drab black weeping like gushing faucets of misery.
I am Fancy Frederick Flopperjockle and thanks to Fancy Frederick’s Funeral FuntimesFest of Fantastic Furnishings, Floral Fonts and Forgotten Footwear, you can spice up your funeral today before you even die! And find some lost shoes! WE DO IT ALL! That’s a lie! We do two things! Funerals and shoes!
We love to see you dead, and we love to see people happy that you are dead. So let’s bring on the choices!
5. Murder Mystery Party
Force your guests to dress up in stuffy Gentlemen and Lady attire to uncover the truth of who was responsible for your death!
Bonus fun if you actually were murdered, and invited the murderer! Wowza that’s a wacky funeral!
Your loved ones will remember you in style, it’ll stop the kids bawling from boredom, and it might save the police some work if you’re really good!
4. The Meet and Greet
Prop that corpse of yours up with a beaming grin and an extended hand to greet people at the door of your own funeral!
For the more intimate folk out there, we can crack the rigor mortis out of your arms with a little bit of animatronic-hugging action!
After all, funerals lose that personal touch in saying goodbye to a loved one. A hug and a happy grin will be the nicest way they could remember you!
3. The Rock Concert
Celebrate life, don’t whine over death! Pop out the coffin-shaped speakers, turn on those old toe-tappers, and watch the room take to their feet to send you off to the Heavens in style!
If your body is still intact, crowd-surfing is also available! With a little bit of wirework we’ll even have your body bopping to Thriller!
2. The Jack-In-The-Box
There is nothing in life that cannot be improved with giant springs! That is the code of Fancy Frederick’s!
See the room roar with laughter as your body springs out of its coffin and gives the speech-maker the fright of their life! Also comes with free whoopee cushions for the audience.
Only allowed for people named Jack, otherwise it would be madness.
1. The Big Twist
Thanks to our Hollywood connections (they sure do love our bodies!) we have all sorts of body doubles and stunt teams waiting in the wings. Add a little drama to proceedings by having a double leap from your coffin and declare it a miracle!
Unintended side effects may include cults forming in your memory. Luckily body doubles only rent for the day so it shall be short-lived.
What if my body’s not intact?
That’s the spirit! Planning to die in a much more explosive, violent or acidic way? Does your livelihood bring a risk of being trampled by wildebeest or sucked into the vacuum of space? Fancy Frederick Flopperjockle takes pride in addressing the more adventurous customers with special packages on the event of a grisly end!
- VIKING LONGBOAT BURNING – Ascend to Valhalla like the warrior your 9-5 job never let you be!
- THE SCREAMING URN – Prank your guests with a prerecorded soundtracks of your screams as you are cremated! Also available for coffins, WACKY!
- APPLE-BOBBING – A truly unique package for those planning on being disintegrated or liquified! A perfect way for weeding out those not committed enough to earn your precious possessions; find out who will bob apples from a bucket of liquid-you for the best parts of your will! Illegal in nearly every country, so you know it’s good!