This week’s blog post comes from Captain Sunshine, sweeper of the grief-stricken streets of evil, who does not know Danny Dourado at all *cough* but is grateful that he can borrow his laptop to spread this message to the world.
Did you know that 99.958% of the population of the world sucks?
Did you know that’s because all those suckers aren’t genuine bonafide super-fied super-powered SUPER-HEROES!?
‘But Danny!’ You cry like a choking squirrel. ‘It’s not my fault I’m not a superhero! I’m not even sure they exist!’
Rubbish! Starting with this article you can become one with the world of spandex, flexing, and justice in just four easy steps that have been tested to be FOOLPROOF. But first, we have to start at the beginning! What make a superhero? A superPOWER.
The first trick is to find out if you already might be on the verge of becoming super-powered in some way. Are you prone to genetic experimentation? Do you find yourself locked in rooms boiling with enough radiation to kill a steel gorilla on a regular basis? Are your parents incredibly rich and prone to spending their evenings in dangerous alleys?
Seize these moments! Sign up for every science experiment going! If the news reports a mysterious object falling from space, run like the wind and be the first to touch it! Let no daring life-threatening moment pass unmolested in case a genie or an alien or a time-travelling wish-granting badger should grant your wildest dreams.
It will be an arduous process but it all comes down to science, magic or wealth. And delicious danger.
3. Dress for Success
I’m gonna say a word here, and then I’m going to let it drip into your mind like the sweet, brainwashing nectar of the Jupiter hornets.
What makes the difference between 1.) a wanted vigilante destroying the homes of millions in waste, and 2.) a masked crusader of justice with a habit of exploding innocents that we all laugh at?
NUMBER TWO HAS A THEME.
Take the Toaster Kid for example. Yes, that’s his theme. Toast. So what’s going to be his weapon? A tazer? Is he going to wear jeggings or a comical hat? NEVER! He has a cape made of bread. He has toasters on his arms and shoots bread. Maybe he THROWS bread-a-rangs. ARE YOU BREADY TO BECOME TOAST, EVIL-DOER?
Your theme says who you are and what you stand for. It also makes you seem so darn wacky that you suddenly cannot be arrested, like nudists or clowns that throw acid pies at children. Brush up on your puns, break out the fabrics and get that theme down.
2. Promote Yourself
Look, let’s be honest. Superheroing is a job that requires some technical expertise. It’s a bit of a competitive crowd to be in. If you haven’t got work experience, no one’s going to want you saving them from sword-hurricanes and acid-bears because you’ll probably just cause more trouble than you’re worth. You’ll be making coffee for the heroes in the tightest of tight pants for awhile.
But it’s okay. Let’s start slow. Below we have a handy cheat-sheet for getting your Superhero name into orbit:
– Pass your resumé out to super-groups and ask for feedback.
– Hand out gift-bags to children.
– Talk in third person so everyone knows your name.
– Never enter through a door when a window, wall or even a ceiling will do.
– Talk about justice like it’s your lusty girlfriend. The sweet maiden that calls your name from the dark, that metaphorical lady which you dream of at night and awake cuddling your pillow in a most uncomfortably intimate fashion while thinking of: Justice.
If you don’t know where to start, start with cat-saving. People love cats more than they love other people. Save a cat from a tree one day, and you’ll be seeing your super-mug on the billboards in no time.
1. Finding Your Nemesis
The greatest measure of your success will be the level of insanity that rises up to drag you down from your perch.
Supervillains are going to happen. It’s like some kind of science or something. The balancing out of powers. Good and evil. Supercool and Super-rubbish. And this will be the final step on your career, because as odd as it sounds, finding your one true nemesis and settling down in a never-ending war of ideals and exploding tanks will bring you the job security you need.
Think about it: a Supervillain is a near-CONSTANT threat to your city of choice that will stop at nothing to destroy everything important. It makes you seem less like a radioactive, law-breaking freak and more like, well, the lesser of two evils. A Supervillain instantly grants you immunity from prosecution because heck, at least you aren’t as bad as THAT weirdo.
And best of all? For some reason, Supervillains are completely obsessed. Once you drive one to the point of swearing revenge and returning every week or two, they will be completely focused on opposing you. They will spend every waking second trying to find that one weakness of yours that they can desperately exploit to rip apart the success you built for yourself with your sweat and tears and loved ones.
… ISN’T THAT BRILLIANT?! So long as your Supervillain lives, your life as a Superhero will be complete, because you will always be needed! Every day! For the rest of your life!
Which will probably be incredibly short from all that radiation poisoning.