3 Terrible Uses of Time Travel

3. Historical Product Placement

And so, Jesus did take five loaves and two fish. And before the crowd of five thousand, he did raise the loaves and fish to the Heavens and speak: ‘I shall take these and feed the five thousand before me. In this miracle, I shall make bread, and I shall make fish. And on second thought, I shall make Skittles, so that we might all Taste the Rainbow.’ And all five thousand tasted it, and they agreed that it was good, and much better than boring bread and fish.


Sure, you might think to use time travel to win the lottery and get rich quick, but the entrepreneur inside you will die at seeing this untold power go to waste on getting that Thunderball every Saturday forever. Instead, think of the fortune and power you could amass from time-travelling advertising.

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Let’s ignore the horrendous, universe-rupturing paradoxes that would occur from such actions and instead think of the gain. “I have found no passage to Asia, your highness,” Columbus would say to the monarch of Spain, “But I have discovered the great taste of these Mint Imperials, and I can think of no greater treasure to return with.”

2. Historical Photo-Bombing

Everyone wants to make their mark in history. With the power of time travel, you can make sure that no one will forget you. Because you will have been everywhere.

We’re not talking about popping up behind Churchill and pulling your best duckface while international leaders scream and grunt like the primitive past people they are.

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This is something much more subtle, and much more pointless; getting your grinning mug in the background of as many famous events as you can, so that some historian will look back and know a time-traveller is screwing with them.

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Whether it’s:

  • Sneaking your signature onto the Magna Carta (‘Gary thinks this is alright too’ just under King John’s Seal)
  • Dressing as Wally /  Waldo and hiding in crowd photos and paintings
  • Shouting “I’m Spartacus!” at every defining meeting throughout history…

… It would require a monumental effort to pull off and would be entirely worthless.

Funnily enough there are already some peculiar photos that could very well be time travellers taking the mick, so why not give people something to look for in their history books?

1. Doing It First

The year is 1969.

Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin will become the first two humans to step foot on the surface of the moon. It is the first step for man into a galaxy so far beyond our planet and its entire history. Every inch humanity has gained, every lesson we have learned and every challenge we have overcome has all been building towards this moment.

After a terrifying descent and six hours of waiting in the landing craft, they finally open the door to make history. And there, waving an American flag over his head, is a guffawing, bug-eyed, green-skinned alien.

As the American heroes flee in terror towards the shuttle, the alien pops off its inflated head. And there in the stupid costume is the laughing, spotty, gangly dweeb from the future. Gary. Gary, who is now the first human ever to step on the moon. And then Gary realises he has no helmet and whoops space corpse.

An artist's impression of Gary

An artist’s impression of Gary

Who invented the telephone? Gary. Who created the theory of relativity? Gary. Who wrote this blog p-Gary. Gary is there, always, leaping in at the last second with the thesis that took someone’s whole life to write, stolen in five seconds and now covered in gravy stains from being kept in his lunchbox.

We’re not just talking about world-changing moments though. That great joke you were about to crack with your mates at the pub? Gary said it, and everyone laughed, even the bartender. And you know by that smug grin on his face that he heard it, when you told it, a minute into the future. No moment of glory is too petty to steal.

Curse you, Gary.

Bonus Pointless Things to Do

– Replace famous speeches with the lyrics to the Fresh Prince a second before they are about to be read.

– Call out your friends on every bull**** story that they tell you about all the ladies they’ve been chatting up.

– Put money in the pocket of your own coats. All those £5s you found that made your day are just money from the future you will lose.

– Plant a Harry Potter book on an old lady during the Puritan witch hunts.

Rewind time so you never read this blog (you can’t)


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