This week’s blog post comes from Captain Sunshine, sweeper of the grief-stricken streets of evil, who does not know Danny Dourado at all *cough* but is grateful that he can borrow his laptop to spread this message to the world.
Did you know that 99.958% of the population of the world sucks?
Did you know that’s because all those suckers aren’t genuine bonafide super-fied super-powered SUPER-HEROES!?
You should be weeping tears of respect for those red pants
‘But Danny!’ You cry like a choking squirrel. ‘It’s not my fault I’m not a superhero! I’m not even sure they exist!’
Rubbish! Starting with this article you can become one with the world of spandex, flexing, and justice in just four easy steps that have been tested to be FOOLPROOF. But first, we have to start at the beginning! What make a superhero? A superPOWER.
When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
Whatever you just answered, unless it was an astronaut, you are wrong. Every kid at least wanted to try being an astronaut. But as with everything good about childhood, it all gets a bit more real and undesirable as we get older. Except that this is stupid because being an astronaut would be the greatest thing ever.
That guy knows what I’m talking about!
Look, a lot of dreams get crushed as you grow up in life. I think it’s fair to say that it’d be nice if at least one of these dreams was still totally amazing when you grew up, and I think after reading this you’ll agree there’s still a jaw-dropping side to those childish wonders we had to put aside.
Think I’m exaggerating? There’s a few things we forgot along the way about the life of an astronaut.
4. Crazy Space Experiments
You are going to die and it will suck!
But not for you! Oh no, you’ll be dead and gone and partying it up in the afterlife of your choice. It’ll be nothing but riding vikings or angel mosh pits for you. No, it’s going to suck for the people you’ve left behind because they have to sit through your stinking funeral!
3. Historical Product Placement
And so, Jesus did take five loaves and two fish. And before the crowd of five thousand, he did raise the loaves and fish to the Heavens and speak: ‘I shall take these and feed the five thousand before me. In this miracle, I shall make bread, and I shall make fish. And on second thought, I shall make Skittles, so that we might all Taste the Rainbow.’ And all five thousand tasted it, and they agreed that it was good, and much better than boring bread and fish.